do you ever wish you could forget what you now know and go back to the times when you didn’t know what you didn’t know?
sometimes i do.
i know what is possible as far as having a relationship with my horse. in my past i felt like i had a relationship with my horses, they met me at the gate and seemed to enjoy going riding as much as i did. they loaded into horse trailers and traveled well. they whinnied when they saw me.
but did they really enjoy their work? i rarely listened to them or took their point of view to heart. if my horse bucked me off i just got back on and went right back to it! maybe working the horse a little harder to prove a point. but did i think about what happened before what happened happened? did i think about what i may have done to provoke the buck in the first place? no.
now all i do is think about how billy feels about what we are doing. though i have thought he was happy to play i now think he felt like he HAD to play or else. even though i was working so hard on myself and trying to engage him mentally more than physically. all i succeeded in doing was to make him more emotional.
now that i’m constantly thinking about how he feels about what we are doing, we are doing less. in fact we are doing nothing.
now i’m not sure if i can read my horse correctly to see if he is feeling pushed or is shutting down, or is happily complying and participating in our sessions.
so today i’m wishing i could just go back to how i used to think. if i was happy so was my horse. and maybe there was something to that. just a little something.
maybe i’m thinking too much.