advice? or shaming…


i think it’s time to repost this little poster…

i’m finding out more and more that when i live my life on the internet, through facebook and my blog, people will decide that they know more about my life than i do.

this can feel quite disconcerting.

especially when they are giving “advice” then when i don’t seem to be taking their “advice”, they attempt to shame into doing what they want by using words like:

I think you need to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your animals.


I think the relationship between horse (and horse) is more important than between horse and human.

these words were said because this gal feels that i am not putting billy and chloe in together fast enough.

however she is not here trying to manage the emotions that came up when i brought chloe home.  i found that introducing another horse has caused some stress for billy AND chloe.  at first they would rarely stand beside each other along the fence line.  if billy was on one side of the pen, then you would find chloe all the way on the other side… 50 feet away from billy and doing so deliberately.  when i would switch them around chloe would show signs of being worried and would sometimes get quite upset if billy even thought about getting too close.  these reactions were clearly fear based.

because i knew chloe’s mom so well i can understand where some of her anxieties come from.  she learned some of her herd behavior from her mom at a young age and through at least one instance of being chased through a barbed wire fence by other horses, has come to her own conclusions about what other horses can mean to her.

i have been spending quite a lot of time honoring her fear, but then pushing through some of her thresh holds in a safe and constructive way.  she will now allow billy to sniff and touch her, IF he is haltered and she is loose.  there is no screaming or panicking that occurs when it’s controlled.

i really feel that to bring chloe home and just toss her into the pen with billy would have been equivalent to taking a horse that is afraid of the trailer, forcing them in and then slamming the door on them.  that would result in a horse even more frightened of the trailer, while also learning the lesson that it can NOT trust YOU!

we will all choose to navigate our journeys in our own ways and i do believe that it is VERY important to honor how others choose to do things.  in context of course…

when words are tossed around that are meant to be hurtful it’s very hard to take someone else’s advice seriously.

having this gal tell me that i am, in essence, acting in a selfish way by attempting to keep everyone safe while i integrate my herd has caused me to want to shut off my facebook and quit the blog all together… but i know that’s the RBI side of me.  so it’s up to me to decide how to handle this.

i’m choosing to share it here, then drop it.

i will do what i believe is best for BOTH of my horses.

and you know what?

i don’t care what you think 😉


  1. This is a very interesting blog post Mindy…..I know I struggle with this kind of pressure myself….I have also learnt over the years that when I get pressured into doing things someone else’s way then I get into trouble……I do tend to take the long road doing things but generally I find that I achieve what I want to achieve, in my own way and in my own time. I like to walk the valley and smell the flowers along the way. It is challenging though when you have others trying to distract you on your path and wanting to drag you in another direction. I’m not saying their way is wrong but it doesn’t suit my style of achieving. Life is a path of continual learning and there are many different learning styles.

    1. you are absolutely right virginia! when i have forced an issue because someone else felt they knew better, that is when horses or humans were injured. that is a great point! often it the horse OWNER that know the horse best. at least in the parelli community i have found that to be true as we spend so much time learning to read and understand our horses, look at things from their point of view and adjust OURSELVES to them.

      i have integrated many many horses in my lifetime from a herd of mares that included arabians, thoroughbreds, and a percheron, to miniature horses, mares, stallions and foals. then i had an andalusian stallion that could be in with one of my miniature stallions because he would play so gently and i was even able to integrate him in with a miniature mare that never cycled, she was a dry mare. so the andalusian stallion and that little tiny mare lived together in the same pen 😉 so adorable!! however that little tiny mare was as bossy as a percheron mare would have been! she was the leader AND the boss of that pasture 🙂 that is why that worked. to put a tiny mare in with a bigger, bossier horse whether it be another mare, a gelding or a stallion would be setting that mare up for failure.

      chloe has shown herself to feel very unconfident around billy therefore i chose to take the time it takes to help her feel more confident in her environment, in me and in billy before tossing her out with him. they are close… SO close to being in together. and believe me i can’t wait for that day!!! having them separate is in NO way easier for me 😉

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